What do you do about a narcissistic boss?

The old saying; that people leave their manager, not the job may be attributable to narcissistic bosses.

'Hey I need you to stay later tonight and finish this so I can present it tomorrow morning.... What do you mean, you can't?  You know your job description does say 'any other tasks as requested. It needs to happen'.

Sound like your boss...?

Narcissism is characterised by:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance. This can be manifested in two ways: overestimating their capabilities or holding themselves to unreasonably high standards.
• Belief in their superiority.
• Need for admiration and acclaim.
• Entitlement.
• Willingness to exploit others.
• A mask of empathy or no empathy.

We think we know the narcissistic well, because it's something that is often portrayed in films and television because it provides great drama and social media has optimised this type of behaviour or in fact 'normalised' it for some people. There is a continuum of narcissistic behaviour and there can be both the braggart and shy versions of narcissists.  These people truly don't care or imagine how others might feel.  Even though your boss or colleague might be chatting with you as though they care, they are very good at mimicking the behaviour as ultimately a narcissist believes they are more entitled than others and may be busy making a cutting evaluation of you. Their entitlement and sense of grandiosity ie that they deserve more than other people is profoundly implicated in everything they ask of you.

What is called narcissistic supply is something the boss is getting from their staff and they will continues to treat you in the same way to keep getting the same effect.  And because they are the boss, no-one calls them on it.  They crave attention and admiration.  You might wonder how they got the job, but narcissists are very good at initial impressions and may have come across as likeable and charming and won out over the other perhaps more authentic candidates.  And because narcissists want to be in powerful positions with people reporting to them, you will find they tend to be over-represented in leadership roles.  You may go into their office wanting to discuss a particular business issue and end up listening to them talk about their latest purchase or how they became the emotional victim of someone else, because the drama of that is right up their alley.   

How to recognise them?

A dead giveaway is high status objects that they surround themselves with, even though not every shopaholic is a narcissist.

Their conversation frequently includes being envious of others.

You find the conversation always reverts back to them.

They frequently over-estimate their abilities.

They seek attention through dramatic stories.

They talk about fantasies about having success.

They are very invested in looking good.

They often leave behind lots of bad feelings or wrecked jobs or relationships.

One of the major areas of difficulty if you have a narcissistic boss is that they are commonly hypersensitive to criticism and 'you are against them' if you offer a contrary view, so flattery is often used instead of robust idea exchanges. This is ultimately not great for innovation or growth in a company, and if the narcissistic boss is really holding on and denying they are doing anything to damage the brand, they might dig their heels in and blame everyone else. 

What can we do?

I do wonder why people stay in jobs where their boss speaks down to them, doesn't appreciate them and manipulates them. It seems self-sacrificing for someone to stay and endure the treatment of a narcisstic boss or colleague, and of course sometimes we can't afford to leave a role.  Perhaps this person - if we look underneath the behaviour - is accustomed to this behaviour from a re-run of the relationship they had with a parent.  If this is the case, then understanding more about out own psychological dynamic can help us move on if that's what we want.